Where Are You?

"Where are you? Where are you?"

I cry out, "where are you?" It is dark and I feel lost, alone, and scared. 

He gently whispers, "I am here where I have always been. My Daughter, where have you been?"

I sigh, because I immediately know that once again I have been on a journey without my Lord. I have left Him waiting for my return.

I hang my head. I am ashamed and embarrassed.

He gently lifts my chin. We lock hearts. And the embrace that comes next is one that releases the breath that I did not even know I had been holding for all this time. The embrace lasts for a long time. When He pulls back I feel a freedom that I had been longing for, for far too long.

This is the cycle of my life. I set out on my own path, with my own plan all too often and leave my Lord waiting on my return. Where He picks up the pieces and cleans up the mess I made and continues to love me without condition or exception.

My Lord is so so good and so so faithful. He gives though I do not deserve. 

He was and is and is to come. He has and will always be. 

His love is different than the love of this world and this generation. I am truly thankful and glad.

I want to love like Him. I want to give like Him. I want to be like Him.

I fail often. I disappoint often. I leave often. Too often. 

He never leaves. He never fails. He never disappoints. He loves me.

He loves you. More than you could ever fathom. More that I can ever fathom.

He calls out to you, "where are you my beloved?"

How will you answer?

Lord Jesus,

I pray right now for every reader. I pray for the light to finally break through the darkness. I pray for the truth to finally destroy all lies. I pray that Your love would transform their life the way that it has transformed mine and beyond. I pray for courage to believe and follow. I pray for grace and mercy to embrace them. I pray for the embrace that they have been longing for all of their lives. In Jesus' mighty name I pray. Amen.

September 2020 Life Update

 Hi Loves,

It has been too long. There is no particular reason that I have not been writing. I have been quite unmotivated. Possibly a little overwhelmed and maybe a little burn out.

So here we are beginning September of the craziest year I can remember. 2020 has definitely been something.

Currently my boys are sitting at their cubies working on school. Today has been full of coloring, cutting, gluing and practicing our writing and drawing shapes. 

Due to Covid we are having school virtually for the first nine weeks at least. I personally am praying that the kids get to go back to face to face school in November!

E is starting his Kindergarten year and I am working with G on preschool things so that he too is learning. 

I also started tracking points on Weight Watchers again after jumping off the wagon when quarantine started and crashing to the ground. I gained and am now started at a higher weight than when I began last October. But, I know this program works and I want to work it and keep working it until the healthy habits become the norm.

It is now Friday. What a week we have had. A good, different and somewhat exhausting week. 

Easton logs on to his school iPad each morning at 8:00am and has a live Google meeting with his teacher. She is wonderful and positive and joyful and such a blessing! Later he has PE on Google meet and then we log back on with his teacher. This is what school looks like for us right now and we are thankful to have made it through the first week. 

This mama is praying that our students get to go back to face to face learning as soon as this first nine weeks are over. 

So we made it and now we get a THREE day weekend and I think that was well designed for all of us!!

Happy Labor Day Weekend to you all!

Thoughts while quarantined...

I want you all to know that currently I am FILLED with overwhelming THANKFULNESS and PEACE.

Does it make any sense...NO!

I have as much to be frustrated with as the next person.

Our jobs are uncertain.
Our vacation was cancelled.
My trip to see my best friend was cancelled.
My son is home from school way earlier than I expected.
All of my social outings are cancelled.

But let this sink in as you read...

I am full of so much THANKFULNESS for so many things...

1. Family Time at home. 
2. Opportunities that I was "too distracted" for have become realities.
3. Technology - 1. To see the way the church has spread the gospel online is truly incredible.
4. Technology - 2. To keep in touch with loved ones.
5. Our back yard.
6. The mostly gorgeous weather.
7. Making meals TOGETHER.
8. Disney+ - let's face it...it is a perfect life saver during these days!
9. Joy, unspeakable joy! Because my joy does NOT come from these circumstances!
10. The world slowing down. How would we ever get this opportunity to slow down and count what matters most. 

There is so much more but I just wanted to spread a little joy and positive things. There are here! 
These are unprecedented times for sure. But we still have so much to be thankful for.

I am praying for God to turn all that the enemy meant for evil to good. I know that is His heart. I am also praying for God to teach me all that He wants for me to learn during this unique time. I am also praying for protection and safety. 

Lord, what a unique time we are in. I know that none of this takes You by surprise. I am praying the words of the song The Blessing by Kari Jobe and Cody Carnes...
May His presence go before you
And behind you, and beside you
All around you, and within you
He is with you, He is with you

In the morning, in the evening
In your coming, and your going
In your weeping, and rejoicing
He is for you, He is for you

Lord you are good and worthy even in these different and difficult times. We trust YOU and we know that YOU will turn what the enemy wants to use for evil into so much GOOD!!
In Jesus' name. Amen

Life Update - A change in seasons

Hi friends!

I know it has been a long time since I have written. I'll admit that I got pretty lost in he season that I was in. Having two strong-willed toddler boys at home was all consuming.

However, our season has changed. E is now in K4 and he is thriving. G and I are home and I can admit that it is so much easier having one instead of two. G also happens to be the easier of the two in some aspects. I honestly think that it is just easier having one. 

Less fighting and bickering. Less cups to fill and mouths to feed. Less bodies to keep track of. It is just easier.

I have moved into a season where I am getting to pour back into me through bible studies. 

Oh there have been many days since becoming a mom that I have sincerely missed the days when I was able to read and study the bible for hours on end...every single day!

I am so thankful to once again be in a season where I spend hours studying the bible. I have not had this luxury since Bible College!

I am attending a women's bible study with our church on Thursday nights where we are studying through the Armor of God by Priscilla Shirer! This study is SO GOOD! I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT!

I am also doing a short devotion with my husband everyday and it is so good to discuss the bible together and our thoughts on the devotions.

G and I also attend a community bible study on Friday mornings where he gets to learn the same thing that I am learning in his class. We are studying Acts and letters of the apostles. I am loving the community of this group so much and the study is great too. 

I am indeed very thankful for this season! I am thankful that my children are thriving and I also am thriving. I will enjoy this wonderful season as long as it lasts. I appreciate it so much after coming out of a tougher season with both boys at home.

We have had a wonderful summer though I admit that I am sooo over the heat!  It is officially fall but it certainly does not feel like fall here in the deep south!

Father, thank you for the changing of seasons both in the weather and in our lives. I am so thankful that you are constantly leading us and guiding us as the days change and we enter new seasons through out our lives. What a joy it is to have and Heavenly Father to walk with me in this life. I am so very thankful that you saved me from the darkness and through your son Jesus, you brought me into the light! Thank you for this season of being able to pour into your Word and grow. Help me to cherish every single moment! In Jesus' name. Amen.

Letting Go

I am letting go of the things the enemy of my soul wants me to carry into this new year.

I am letting go of the lies he has told me.
“You are not good enough.”
“You are not worthy of love.”
“You cannot do that, you’re not equipped.”
“You are not a good mom.”
“You are damaging your children.”
“You are not a good friend, wife, daughter, sister & leader.”
“You mess up too much.”
"They are never going to love you."

I am letting go of the hurts and offenses.

I am letting go of my mistakes and the guilt that I allow to plague me.

I am letting go of the negative thoughts and the whining & complaining speech.

I am letting go of the list of things that did not get done.

I am letting go.

I am pressing on.

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:12-14

Yes I am pressing on.

I am choosing to LEARN everything I can from each of the mistakes that I made but I WILL PRESS ON!

Father, Teach me. Help me to see and learn. Help me to let go of all of the things that the enemy would use to hold me back. I trust YOU. I FOLLOW you. I BELIEVE that you can and will still use me in all of my imperfections and weaknesses. Thank you for not requiring perfection. Thank you for still using me. I cannot wait to see all that YOU have in store for 2019. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Squishy turns TWO

Yesterday we woke up and celebrated our sweet little G all day long!

Our youngest, G, whom I call my Squishy is now TWO!

How fun it has been to watch him grow and learn these two years!

I did not wake up sad. I woke up excited! I am so proud of this two year old and how he has grown and all of the things he has learned.

He walked early, talked early and can do just about everything that his older brother can do! He is smart, sweet and he really is squishy! He is so snuggly!!

I woke up excited that we made it! Parenting two boys so close in age has been the hardest challenge I have faced so far! But waking up to my lil guy turning TWO felt like a turning point for us! I am excited to watch him grow everyday and help him learn!

I love that we are past the infant stage and are now entering into such a fun phase with both boys. They are so fun and FUNNY!! They are PURE JOY!!

Here's to many many more years watching them learn and grow!

Happy Birthday my Squishy! I love you so much!

I love how you get SO EXCITED about the little things. I love that you LOVE life! I love your sweet little voice. I love how excited you are to see me in the mornings and that you wake up happy. I love how you love your brother and daddy so much. I love your snuggles and giggles. I love your precious moments eyes! I love your big appetite! I love your long shaggy hair and your long eyelashes. I love your blue eyes. I love how much you love to "read that book". I love how you laugh so big when I let you get my low five. I love so much about you!

Father,
Thank you for the gift of these amazing boys! Thank you for sharing them with us and for helping us to parent them. Thank you for the wonder that they are. I pray that they would come to know you, learn to love you, allow you to love them and live to serve You allll the days of their lives. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.


I leave you with a picture of sweet newborn Squishy!

The Missing Ingredient

As I sit here today reflecting back on the last several months and thinking of all of the things the Lord is working and stirring up in me and all that He is teaching me. I realize that I have been missing one VERY important ingredient.

Many have noticed and been affected by the lack of this ingredient in my life. I have recently heard it put this way...We effect the atmosphere wherever we go. We can have a positive effect or negative effect. If I am full of God and have this secret (but not really so secret) ingredient then I effect the atmosphere with God's presence and in the most positive ways. But if I am not filled with God and the things of God or His presence then all I bring to the atmosphere is myself. The truth of that is this. I have nothing of worth to give. But God has EVERYTHING of worth to give.

What is this ingredient that I have been lacking? What is the missing ingredient in my life these days?

JOY.

Sadly, when I look back on the last little while I see such a lack of Joy.

Joy is a FREE gift and it comes from the LORD alone. Joy should have NOTHING to do with my circumstances, feelings or daily life. No one can TAKE my joy from me.

Here is the ugly truth. I chose to give it up. No one took it from me, nothing took it from me. I chose to give it up.

Anyone else just shudder?

I am thankful that I can think back and find moments where I had joy but as a whole I gave my joy up. I allowed situations, hurt, and daily stresses to steal my joy.

Many have been affected by this. Many have even been hurt by this. That is simply the hard truth.

Also as hurtful is the truth that time cannot be regained. It is simply gone. But not wasted because of all that I have learned.

I have learned so much in this valley that I have found myself in these past few months. I am learning SO MUCH.

I do fully believe that it is in the valleys that we learn the most about ourselves. I am thankful, so thankful for the things that I am learning and re-learning.

Two major "re-learnings" have occurred in me recently.

1. God has been speaking to me about giving the gift of unconditional love. Especially this Christmas season.
2. He has also shown me that I am lacking my Joy. The free gift of Joy that comes from my relationship with Him and not from my circumstances.

You see I am "re-learning" both of these lessons.  Though these lessons have come to me separately they are not separate at all.

John 15:9-17 says this, "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other."

Love and Joy are connected!

To sum it all up...If I am obeying HIS commands and loving unconditionally; loving the unlovely then my joy will be complete. If I am filling up on His presence, His word & His promises then I will effect the atmosphere wherever I go with THOSE things instead of me.

Several have been affected by ME lately and let me just say...it has not had the outcome that my heart or God's heart would desire.

I want to be a student of people and not a critic. When I walk around only full of me I find myself way more critical than I should ever be. But if I am a student of those around me, I can learn about them and love them. If I am loving them, listening to them and full of HIM then I am not critical. I am bubbling with JOY and can give unconditional love. (SOOOOOO much learning lately!!!)

I want to LOVE bigger, walk in unspeakable JOY and effect the atmosphere with HIS presence. And I truly want to be a student rather than a critic ALWAYS.

Father,
Forgive me. Forgive me for taking so long to see the whole of what you have been trying to teach me. Forgive me for the ways that I have affected the atmosphere that are NOT pleasing to you or that do not bring you glory. Forgive me Father and I pray that those who have been affected by this missing ingredient will forgive me too. Thank you Father for never giving up on me, for never turning your back on me no matter how much my behavior, thoughts, words and actions must break your heart. Thank you for never shutting me out. Thank you for always pursuing me, loving me and teaching me. Father, I desire to LOVE just like you. Unconditionally. No matter what hurts, attitudes, words, actions, situations, lies, misunderstandings, life, stresses, or lack comes my way. Help me to see all the ugly in my heart so that YOU can clean it up and so that I may bring YOU glory in all that I do and say. Always. Thank you also Father for friends who stand with me no matter what season I find myself in and who pray for me and point me back to you. I am so grateful. In Jesus' sweet name I pray. Amen.